Yesterday, just before he stepped on a plane to Brussells, JP and I signed off on a bigger bid for a house we saw Friday evening. We’ll hear about the results of that rushed process this morning, but I feel whatever we offered probably wasn’t enough to secure the tiny two-story home in a much quieter neighbourhood.
It is truly remarkable that it has come to this here now. We are all facing unaffordability in some way and I’m not sure whatever “change” is coming in our government tomorrow will help. We’ve voted and now all we can do is wait to see if our vote can make a difference, if a leader can somehow help us find a stronger way forward.
So much of 2025 so far has involved apprehension. It’s also involved a tremendous degree of disappointment. I’m still recovering from last weekend’s tumble, trying to determine if things are truly as dire as they feel or if I’m just panicking because that’s what I tend to do when things seems to be going wrong. I realize from house hunting that I’m terrified of making a mistake and having to live with the consequences of my own shortsightedness.
I had a nightmare about that last night. I woke up sometime after 2:00 pm from a dream where I was furiously planning my escape after realizing that I had murdered someone. In my dream, I was consumed by guilt and recognized how angry I was, but I couldn’t remember what exactly had happened or who had died, all I knew is that I had to get away. I thought about the border and how disappearing into the US somewhere was no longer and option. I wondered if there were small towns here in Canada where I could live quietly below the radar. My instincts told me to take my car and drive north, but I realized my car would give me away. When I was trying to think of other ways to travel and how to get money out to do so, I woke up, still reeling with dread and despair.
Obviously, I’m anxious and somehow I feel responsible for everything that’s going wrong.
It’s April, traditionally cruel but lately something of a mixed bag. Last year, Isabelle spent the third weekend in April with me, after 3 years of no contact. By May, she was living with us again. It’s been almost a year and despite all the ups and downs we’ve experienced over the last 12 months, I am forever grateful for her return and her relative stablization.
What is clear to me now, however, is that everything that is going on is taking a massive toll on my health and well being. There are only 6 more weeks of school and I am trying to determine how I can successfully navigate my way through them, given everything that is going on.
Today, I did Jeff Warren’s Focus meditation, which I restacked. I asked my aching jaw (I’m a teeth grinder) what it wanted to tell me. It said too much. That’s not what I wanted to hear, but I got it. I’m rushing things, my mind veering off in all directions, and it is too much.
I can’t be the only one feeling this way, but it feels like I am, sitting here facing another bleary day.
So, my title, Moving On, might come to fruition. Maybe we’ll get the house, more likely, we won’t. Then what?
After all of our queries, we found out the zoning behind us permits the developers to build without a permit, but they have to do so at a 7 meter set back or apply for a variance and we will have to be informed about that. Does that make the idea of a sixplex any easier to handle? No, it just means they have not yet applied for a variance. It may mean we have time to find somewhere else to go if our offer today falls short or through.
Will there be another house that can accommodate our peculiar household? That’s the real question. JP and Isabelle both like this house and want to stay because it allows us all a great deal of privacy, space, and our own bathroom (plus one extra, just in case). It’s almost like we all have our own private apartment. That’s the way they like it, but it is almost impossible to find another house like this. I’ve looked at triplexes, but they are even more expensive than three story homes. I’m not sure if we’ll ever find what we’re looking for. We called this house the unicorn when we found it, but as great as it is for them, it is too loud and unruly for me. Can I convince them to move on, or do I have to find some way to do that myself
?
"April is the cruelest month," but there will be renewal for you because you are constantly sowing the seeds for it with honesty and self reflection.